up and down

Up and down...happy and sad... Each visit to my mom's brings something new. Some days I'm overwhelmed with sadness walking through the front doors or just driving in the direction of the NH. Other days I feel spiritually enlightened. Every day I feel baffled - still. What is going on in my mom's head? Does she feel pain? Is she in pain? Is she sad? Happy? Does she even understand that? Why is she smiling all the time? She's cute. Jasmine is so cute with her. Most of the time I feel like a big old tired mess - I need to be kinder to myself. God has brought me some much through all of this - wow. This week La Senora #1 (roommate) pointed out one of the aids who eats the food served to the residents - right off of their trays! La Senora told me they don't do this to my mom though and if they did she would "tell them something!" My mom eats every crumb on her plate though - I guess they steal from those who don't finish it all... :| Mami and I danced a little this week and did our usual serenade for La Senora #2 (down the hall). She loves "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and can't believe she never learned the words to it. Btw, she gave me the down-low on which aids don't like her bc she speaks up for herself and other residents. She told me about a few who seem to forget to "come back and finish tasks" fairly often and others who are impatient and rude for no reason. Its heartbreaking. I just have to pray that God keeps my Mamita clear of this - that they can't help but love her bc she's so cute and smiley all the time. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for losing patience with her - how could I be so mean? I'm just impatient - as I've always been. I'm forced to understand when the aids lose patience too but to know that some are just mean all the time - that makes me angry - it really pisses me off! I've witnessed one in particular myself. She's been rude to me too and I try my best to be as understanding and kind to all of them as I can. You feel like your hands are tied in this situation though. To complain could mean worse treatment for my mom when I'm not there - when no one is in the room but the aid and my mom. This is the crap that keeps me up at night. I'm working on letting it go and praying that God give all the aids more compassion and a good conscience and at the very least, a fear that they might get caught. Anyway, back to the dance and serenade...of course "Ms. M." (La Senora #2's roommate) and a beautiful lady loves "Unforgettable". She supposedly has dementia pretty bad - she always seems so together when I see her. Together in that she remembers me and Jasmine (who she adores!), she's smiling and she's SO friendly. Sometimes she complains of stomach aches but still smiles so sweetly. I think these ladies are just stronger than I could ever hope to be. Wow again. Gotta go type out the words to SOTR for mi querida Senora...