So behind...

Wow, it's been so long since my last entry. Keeping a blog is still not a habit for me. I feel like I'm failing somehow, like there's so much I'm not sharing that I need to. I'll try to recap some things that have happened... 5/23-Though we visited Mami on Friday after Jasmine's birthday party, I didn't see her on Saturday and Sunday's plans changed at the last minute so a visit to her looked more unlikely as the day went on. I still haven't made peace with not seeing her everyday. Even when I do visit, I still feel an emptiness when I leave. I'm starting to realize that emptiness will always be with me to some degree. Jasmine was great on Friday - her party was a success and I felt such a load lifted. I was so happy to see her with her little friends running and screaming - that's the true sign of happiness at this age after all. :) Saturday felt so selfish as we spent the whole day together - just the three of us at the Asian festival on the National Mall. It was so peaceful. Still, I couldn't help feeling like I was neglecting my mom in some way. I know she wouldn't see it that way but as I may have stated before, I feel like if I don't show up enough, they'll slack and not care for properly. There was the time that it was 90 degrees outside and I show up to find her sitting in the dining room in a thermal shirt. Then there are the countless times I've shown up to find her in the bathroom and learn from her roommate that she's been there almost an hour. I'm sure as I re-read this entry I'll see that I'm being overly sensitive right? I keep repeating to myself the advice of loved ones and friends: "She's fine, she's safe, try not to worry!" Sometimes that makes me angry. I guess I need to stop repeating to myself the advice of loved ones and friends. :| I'm learning that what I need most from loved ones and friends is a compassionate ear. I must be so hard on my loved ones and friends... 5/30 we took Mom out for crab legs! :) There's a little place just up the street from her residence on King Street. I was so glad we did it. She had just had lunch so I just ordered here some fries but Jasmine (and Reggie and I) had fun with the crab legs. Mom smiled and laughed as usual. It was nice to be in a different environment together. When I visit my mom I always get a little anxious feeling as I round the corner on her floor. First I scan quickly for the guy who is prone to cursing outbursts at any point. I only saw him once but it was disturbing enough to make me a little paranoid - especially when Jaz is with me. I've only seen him a few times since and I haven't heard him curse again. I wonder if my mom has... I'm always wondering how where and and in what state I'll find Mom. Will she be in the dining room talking to herself or will the Cuban lady I really liked at first be saying rude things to her as I've since experienced her do. Will she have food all over her or be sitting in wet clothes? Will she be chewing on her napkin? Will she be sans the proper under garments - something I'm sure most wouldn't care about but that makes me cringe when I think of how painfully modest she's always been. Will her short straight hair be combed straight down almost as if someone were trying to make her look ridiculous? I mean really, I've never seen anyone with her length of hair comb it like that - man or woman. Am I losing all sense of reality here? Have I gone off the deep end when it comes to what matters? I honestly don't know any more... Sometimes I don't find her in the dining room. If J's with me she always says, "she's not in here Mami, lets go check her room!" We then make ourselves seen by the front desk of course and I quickly take inventory of what serious faces (nurses and aids I mean) are drifting through the halls. A couple of staff people will smile from on a regular basis but most seem to want to say "what are you smiling for? I don't see anything to smile about." Perhaps I'm reading to deep into it but really, the somber mood in that place can get to you if you let it. Thank God for the few bright faces from time-to-time - they really make it SO much better! I'll never forget the time I arrived to take my mom out and realized she needed to visit the bathroom. A new lady showed up smiling and said "I'll take her...Hi Lupe! How are you?" I nearly passed out, cried and jumped for joy all at once. :) We'll call her "K". Unfortunately K is just a sort of substitute aid. She works at another facility as the recreational director I believe. I swear I considered moving just for her... I felt pretty good that day. Its safe to say that the patients are always serious. There's one lady, we'll call her Rachel, that is really the only one to ever smile. She is morbidly obese and ALWAYS in her wheelchair. I'm not sure what other issues she has but I can only imagine. She calls my mother by name and holds her hand too. She really is a sweetheart. I can't imagine what my attitude would be like if I were her -especially since her mind is perfectly "ok". Anyway, the nerves continue till I lay eyes on my mom (if she's not in the dining room). At that point I usually find her in the bathroom in her room or seated in her chair in front of the tv in her room. I don't really know if she watches tv anymore. I guess it makes us all feel better to put her in front of it though - like she somehow not alone. She's usually got food on her clothes and again, is in need of a trip to the bathroom. This isn't always the case, just most of the time. Gotta run, more later...