WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?!?!

Yesterday (Friday) I decided to take Mami out with me for a while.  I got excited at the thought that I could actually take her to TARGET with me!!  However, toileting issues on my arrival made it clear that we wouldn't have time for this as I had to be back to pick up Jaz from school by 12:30.  Mom walks so slow and we would have been visiting the huge Target.  I decided to scope out the neighborhood with her instead.  I sat her in the backseat from the beginning this time bc I thought it best to skip the struggle with the right-side car door entry - she got right in.  I should have tried harder to put her on the left (front passenger) side so I could have held her hand and talked to her more instead of feeling like her chauffeur.  We drove up King Street and the scenery was so beautiful - it was a sunny gorgeous day (70s).  I was watching her through the rear-view mirror.  She doesn't really look around.  She sort of just stares ahead or occasionally down.  Still, I talk about the scenery and she gives me the occasional smiley "yes".   I decided to stop at a cafe I've been to before to get a sandwich for Jaz' lunch, a cookie for mom and some ice tea for me. There were 3 people behind the counter when I opened the door and they all continued to stare at us as I slowly led my mom to the counter.  It was creepy - I wanted to turn around and walk out but I told myself I was being silly - overreacting.  I realize that feeling a lot when I'm with my mom.  I just want everyone to ignore us completely and it hurts me to thing that anyone is looking at my mom thinking "wow, what's wrong with her?"  Why does it bother me so much?  I never want to make a spectacle these days - not that anyone does, but I'm extra sensitive to disturbing people or getting in anyone's way.  When it comes to my mom, I get extra frustrated when she has trouble sitting in public or it takes too long to put on her coat... I realize its because I'm still holding on to the idea that THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO HER.  I know how private and proper my mom has always been and to think that she would be the one people are staring at now just makes me sad I guess - then it makes me mad.  Sometimes she'll see a child and try to touch them or start rambling to them.  Parents generally just smile - kids look a little freaked out.  I just get frustrated.  I really need to drop it already.  Ego is a b-tch.
Anyway, these 3 people kept staring.  My mom had the usual lost but smiling look on her cute little face and I just tried to stare at the menu behind the counter in hopes that they'd stop staring and I could figure out what I wanted to order.  I leaned over to my mom and whispered something in her ear - she laughed and I guess I was happy to have what seemed like a "normal" moment in front of our audience.  I don't know...it was really bothering me.   After a few seconds I got the nerve up to look them each in the eye (one older lady, a young girl and a young guy) and say "Wow, I feel so much pressure to order - everyone is just staring at us!"  They seemed embarrassed - like someone had just said "close your mouth" and they tried to avert their eyes - all but the young guy cashier - he went back and forth between me and my mom.  I thought "what the hell...??!"  Even after we ordered and I sat my mom at a table to wait.  I could feel myself getting more aggravated.  When our order was finally ready a lady handed it to me with a big smile on her face.  The guy came from behind the counter and walked to the front door to hold it open for us.  As we passed him he said "Your mom is just like my mom".  I said "Oh, your mom has Alzheimer's?"  He looked stunned: "No, she has Parkinson's - your mom has Alzheimers?"  I was still a little irritated but I was softening a bit: "Yes.  Okay, good luck to you."  "Thank you, you too."  I felt his eyes on us as we walked a few feet to our car parked on the curb.  Did I just win a who's mom is worse off contest or did he just feel comfortable seeing a form of his own situation played out in front of him by two strangers who seem happy?   I guess I'll choose the latter knowing that it could be neither. 

I got mom back "home" in time to sit her at the table for lunch.  Another Senora is always at her table.  The staff was very excited from day one that they could sit together bc "they both speak Spanish".  We'll call this lady Senora L.  She's not super friendly - she always seems a little frustrated.  But seeing Jaz always brings a smile to her face - just like with Senora C - and Senora M who I'll tell you more about later (she's my favorite!)  Anyway, Senora L gave us her usual "quien eres tu?  Ella es tu Mama?"  I smile and say the same thing each time.  She likes me I think - she looks at my mom sort of weird but I'm hoping she'll get used to her. My mom smiles at her and says nonsensical things and she Sra C says asks says "que?"  When Jaz is there she's all smiles though - all she says is how gorgeous and beautiful and amazing she is.  "Es buenisima!"
I went over to the nurses station to go over some medical stuff real quick then walked back in to give my mom lots of kisses - really fast (muwah, muwah, muwah, muwah...) that always makes her laugh -even the Sra laughed!   Then I felt better about leaving her.  I try not to look back when I walk out bc one of the hardest images for me to accept is her sitting in this place by herself - but I always look back anyway.