Cynthia's blog

As Jasmine and I arrived at the nursing home today I sensed something "different" about my mom the moment I spotted her from behind sitting in the dining room. Without going into the details I'm pretty sure she had a mini-stroke. I wasn't sure at first but as I attempted to take her through a little walk down the hall I became more convinced.

Today was definitely a bittersweet (for lack of a better word) day. My husband's mother Bernice died today - she was 90 years old. The bitter part is obvious but the sweet part is because like my mom still does, Bernice suffered with dementia - the difference is that my mom's is of the Alzheimer's type. Besides that, she was chronically depressed as long as my husband can remember. When she shared with me the things this poor mother endured in her life (abuse in many forms and at the hands of many - though definitely not Reggie's father) I felt drawn to her in a way I could not describe.

I sent this email to myself today while sitting at my mother-in-law's bedside in the hospital today. The last several months have been a roller-coaster for her emotionally and physically. She has now been hospitalized with pneumonia and other complications. At this point they are only trying to make her comfortable. I'm sad that Jasmine will probably not see her Grandma Bernie again. We miss her so much already... Sitting here w/Bernice, it is oddly peaceful. I've been praying, reading from the bible and singing in an effort to fill the silence.

Just returned from there this last Sunday. What a peaceful place. What a blessing to see Ingrid there among other wonderful ladies (Karen, her mom and Eileen!) Missed my mom though - I tried not to worry too much... More later. :)

I'm headed to L.A. this Thursday! I can't believe it! Its my first time since back in 2004!! I've missed my girls SO MUCH! Sue, Dawn, Amy and Anita (though Anita is out of town). Dawn told me last week that she'd be there on business and that she could get a room with 2 beds if Jaz and I wanted to join her. We both joked back and for a little but finally, I overcame my major hesitation to just look up the tix and see what it would cost. MB (my beloved - husband) really sealed the deal when he said I should absolutely do it and he hooked us up with his frequent flyer miles!

Up and down...happy and sad... Each visit to my mom's brings something new. Some days I'm overwhelmed with sadness walking through the front doors or just driving in the direction of the NH. Other days I feel spiritually enlightened. Every day I feel baffled - still. What is going on in my mom's head? Does she feel pain? Is she in pain? Is she sad? Happy? Does she even understand that? Why is she smiling all the time? She's cute. Jasmine is so cute with her. Most of the time I feel like a big old tired mess - I need to be kinder to myself.

Jaz and I took Mom to visit the Mother of all nursing homes today - Goodwin House. Its around the corner from our house to top it off! I know its impossible to get in there - they have a limited number of Medicaid beds and they go to the in-house residents first. In-house residents have already bought-in to the place (and its NOT cheap!) When Jaz and I drive by the place I always say "Maybe one day Grandma can live there Sweetheart!" Now comments too.

While visiting my mom this week I found myself caught up in a little conversation with her roommate at the nursing home - a sweet lady who is 101 and has already informed me that Jasmine and I are her family and that she waits anxiously every day to see us walk in the door to visit my mom. The point is, I was standing at her bedside holding her hand so Jasmine was "in charge" of my mom who was sitting in on her own bed. I heard her talking to her but wasn't really sure what they were talking about.

I realize that I go through stages in dealing with my moms situation and in dealing with myself as a mother. As for my mom, I feel sad most often but other times strong and then other, anger - at the world. I'm always inspired to write about it though - I just don't always have the time. Like now...

Wow, it's been so long since my last entry. Keeping a blog is still not a habit for me. I feel like I'm failing somehow, like there's so much I'm not sharing that I need to. I'll try to recap some things that have happened... 5/23-Though we visited Mami on Friday after Jasmine's birthday party, I didn't see her on Saturday and Sunday's plans changed at the last minute so a visit to her looked more unlikely as the day went on. I still haven't made peace with not seeing her everyday. Even when I do visit, I still feel an emptiness when I leave.