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I'm headed to L.A. this Thursday! I can't believe it! Its my first time since back in 2004!! I've missed my girls SO MUCH! Sue, Dawn, Amy and Anita (though Anita is out of town). Dawn told me last week that she'd be there on business and that she could get a room with 2 beds if Jaz and I wanted to join her. We both joked back and for a little but finally, I overcame my major hesitation to just look up the tix and see what it would cost. MB (my beloved - husband) really sealed the deal when he said I should absolutely do it and he hooked us up with his frequent flyer miles!

Up and down...happy and sad... Each visit to my mom's brings something new. Some days I'm overwhelmed with sadness walking through the front doors or just driving in the direction of the NH. Other days I feel spiritually enlightened. Every day I feel baffled - still. What is going on in my mom's head? Does she feel pain? Is she in pain? Is she sad? Happy? Does she even understand that? Why is she smiling all the time? She's cute. Jasmine is so cute with her. Most of the time I feel like a big old tired mess - I need to be kinder to myself.

Jaz and I took Mom to visit the Mother of all nursing homes today - Goodwin House. Its around the corner from our house to top it off! I know its impossible to get in there - they have a limited number of Medicaid beds and they go to the in-house residents first. In-house residents have already bought-in to the place (and its NOT cheap!) When Jaz and I drive by the place I always say "Maybe one day Grandma can live there Sweetheart!" Now comments too.

While visiting my mom this week I found myself caught up in a little conversation with her roommate at the nursing home - a sweet lady who is 101 and has already informed me that Jasmine and I are her family and that she waits anxiously every day to see us walk in the door to visit my mom. The point is, I was standing at her bedside holding her hand so Jasmine was "in charge" of my mom who was sitting in on her own bed. I heard her talking to her but wasn't really sure what they were talking about.

I realize that I go through stages in dealing with my moms situation and in dealing with myself as a mother. As for my mom, I feel sad most often but other times strong and then other, anger - at the world. I'm always inspired to write about it though - I just don't always have the time. Like now...

Wow, it's been so long since my last entry. Keeping a blog is still not a habit for me. I feel like I'm failing somehow, like there's so much I'm not sharing that I need to. I'll try to recap some things that have happened... 5/23-Though we visited Mami on Friday after Jasmine's birthday party, I didn't see her on Saturday and Sunday's plans changed at the last minute so a visit to her looked more unlikely as the day went on. I still haven't made peace with not seeing her everyday. Even when I do visit, I still feel an emptiness when I leave.

I feel behind because I haven't updated my blog in several days... I've been busy bc my big brother was visiting from TX since Sunday - he just left today. :( My baby turns 4 tomorrow. Wow! Of course I'm overjoyed and very grateful for every second we've had with this angel - she is truly the best thing that ever happened to me! She's been asking every day for over a month: "Is tomorrow my birthday?" Today I could finally say YES! :) I can't believe 4 years ago I hadn't even met her yet. My life was so about to turn around!!!

Jaz is so sweet. We visited my mom Wednesday and today and she is just so lovely! She always says she doesn't want to go but as she walks in and is greeted with a lots of "she's so beautiful"s or "she is so precious" she warms up pretty fast. I don't know what I'd do without her. Mami remains her smiley amazing self. I was talking to my twin brother tonight and as I was speaking I realized that as much as my mom constant smiles confuse me, they also give me a tremendous amount of peace. It is by God's grace that my mom is no longer affected by this world.

Jazzy made me breakfast today!!  I had Cheerios w/bananas, toast, blueberry yogurt and orange juice - she should make my breakfast everyday!  SO CUTE.!!  She and daddy gave me cards, flowers and gifts made by my angel - we had dinner later too. I am so very blessed. 

Yesterday (Friday) I decided to take Mami out with me for a while.  I got excited at the thought that I could actually take her to TARGET with me!!  However, toileting issues on my arrival made it clear that we wouldn't have time for this as I had to be back to pick up Jaz from school by 12:30.  Mom walks so slow and we would have been visiting the huge Target.  I decided to scope out the neighborhood with her instead.  I sat her in the backseat from the beginning this time bc I thought it best to skip the struggle with the right-side car door entry - she got right in.