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I bought her some new shirts today and a few new pairs of warmer pants.  Its getting chilly and you never know what the temp will be like where she is.  Today she was in the hallway in front of the nurses station and her hands and feet were cold.  I put some warm slippers on her and her little wrap around her shoulders.  She's so cute with a clip in her hair too.  As usual, I was so glad I stopped by.

... I got a call telling me my mom was only going to live a few more minutes.  I was rushing to the hospital whe I woke up - my heart was racing.  I realize I'm not ready to lose her yet.  I think about it all the time now.

Its already October - I'm sorry I've been out of touch - though I think my apology is just to myself...

I realized after my dream that I need to do more out of respect for my mom to tell her story.  I hope I don't lose the inspiration or forget about it again like I usually do. 

So much has happened and of course I had hoped to document it all but alas, time gets away from me more than ever these days. 

...last Tuesday.  I'm not sure why but she did but it was so nice.  I was backing her wheelchair into the elevator and was about to lean over to push the button when she said "Cynthia".  It was so cute and weird at the same time!  If feels like years since she has said my name.  Actually, it probably has been years - probably two...maybe three?  For a second I pretended that we were having a little conversation.  :)

I learned today that my mom's unit of the nursing home has been infected by this virus - there was a case found yesterday.  There are other cases in another unit as well.  I'm not supposed to visit for a few days and Jasmine shouldn't be there for even longer.  It just made me sad.  I feel like my mom is trapped.  Obviously catching this virus could have terrible results for her.  I know God is protecting her though.  I'm just going to miss her.  I pray that they treat her with compassionate - even though they know I may not drop by at any moment. 

I really thought I'd have written so much more by now.  I feel like I'm letting a wealth of thoughts, ideas and realizations drift away with my memory...
Day-to-day developments alone have been very interesting - mostly heartbreaking, but interesting. 
Our home renovations were completed week before last and until Sunday we've been in a whirlwind of packing and staging to get our house ready to sell.  I'm just now coming up for air and I see that there's as much above the water to be done as there was under the water.

The weeks go so fast.  I always feel like I'm running around - chasing my tail - getting nothing done.  I visited my mom every day but one this week.  I felt bad when I couldn't.  I guess its guilt.  I don't feel guilt that I caused my moms Alzheimer's or that I was a bad daughter or any of the things people supposedly feel guilty for in these situations.  Sometimes I feel guilty that she's not in Texas - not more accessible to other family members.  I still think I made the right decision though - I need to let it go.

Subject:  Mom

She's been sleeping even more lately. Its been really hard to wake her up at lunchtime so I haven't been able to feed her like usual - she sits in the dining room in her chair, sleeping. 
I had a meeting with the hospice people yesterday (Sherri and Cheryl).  They are very nice.  They promise that they are checking in on her daily (weekdays anyway) and visiting with her at least once a week.  Their is also an aid from hospice who give mom a shower twice a week.  Her name is Mary - she's really nice.

...I think this new year holds a lot.

Can't believe another one is gone.  This is the first year mom was in a nursing home, unable to walk and unable to eat with us.  We spent a few hours visiting with her.  Jazzy brushed her hair, I massaged her hands and shoulders, we talked on the phone with my brothers.  It was good but empty in some way.  I feel bad that I'm not being grateful enough.  I am happy that she's smiling though.